Down Goes Alice
by reginassthief
Summary: She dreamt she was an evil queen in another world. A reigning monarch who made the world- and every creature in it- suffer. She caused pain and cast curses all so she could get the revenge that was hers. Outlaw Queen.
1. Chapter One

**I started a new multi-chapter, what is wrong with me? On a good note, this could be the one I actually complete so there's something. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do with this. I didn't know whether to post it, keep it to myself, change it into an original mainly because of the themes that are going to be in it. This isn't the happiest story, guys. It's Dark...Apparently not too dark where you want to stop reading, but there are dark parts in it. That being said it deals with drugs; both use and misuse, over doses, depression, death, guilt, and implications to sexual abuse. If, at any point, it becomes too much, you're free to leave of course. I, of course, hope you can stick around because I honestly believe it's one of my best fics. Thanks for Clare (its-a-story-of-love) for beta-ing this for me and I hope you all enjoy...somehow.**

 _ **"I'd give all the wealth that years have piled,**_

 _ **The slow result of life's decay,**_

 _ **To be once more a little child,**_

 _ **For one bright summer day"**_

 _\- Lewis Carroll_

It's the beam of light that shines through the half closed curtains that rip her off her dream. She feels groggy; bones heavy and sore, head sounding like the lone beat of a drum.

Regina turns her head away from the light, the movement fast as the darkness beneath her eyes shakes and swirls, her stomach doing the same.

No fast movements.

She tries to catch onto those last dregs of sleep. Shifting atop of the body she lays upon. But something feels different. It has her heart stopping, blood running cold.

Ignoring every cry her body makes, Regina pushes herself up; one hand against the body, another against the couch. Her focus is immediately on Daniel, not the soft snores around her as her hands cup around his face.

He's cold.

Her eyes fall down to his chest. There's no soft rising, no sleep-puffed breath, no little snores.

Her brain is too hungover, to sleep-ridden to process it, but her heart does. The rapid ripples of pain that pulse through it one after another, after another. She feels them choking her, her breath coming out quicker as she tries to breathe, to fight the tears that well in her eyes.

She goes into auto drive.

Everything becomes distant; pushing herself away from Daniel's cold body, stumbling over the pill bottle and cans. Her gaze goes fuzzy, zoning in and out of focus, her stomach swirling, vomit ripping through her.

She just about makes it to the bathroom.

Last night's contents; pizza, cider, some yellow substance, all ending up in the toilet of _someone's_ house.

She flushes the toilet, leaning against the seat, breath still deep and heavy as it exits in long, heaving puffs.

They need to move him.

The realisation sinks in. They can't find him here, they can't know what they were doing.

Wiping her mouth with the towel, she runs back into the living room, hopping over people, cans, left-over food. God, they could be dead for all she knows. They could all be dead. She the only one alive.A perfect punishment.

She looks amongst the people- _the dead_ \- lying on the floor, eyes jumping from one to the other. She barely knows any of them. They were all Daniel's friends, not hers.

She doesn't have any friends.

But she spies Mikey in the corner, slumped against some fallen cushions, and looking, thank god, like he's breathing.

It's a quick jump across all the clutter, standing in the empty spaces as practically hop-stotch's her way over to the boy.

Regina falls against the floor, hands instantly shaking the person awake, a mantra of _Wake up, wake up, wake up_ and praying that he'll help her.

He shakes her off, mumbling a _Gerroth!_ as he shifts away from her.

But she's back to shaking him awake again.

"What?" he asks sharply, grimacing against the pain in his own dead.

Her voice is croaky, hoarse from sleep, throwing up, the pain in her heart that wants to engulf her as she tries to speak the words.

"Daniel, he's...he's..."

She watches the annoyed look on Mikey's face turn to concern. His eyes rake her, fully taking in her appearance. Regina only got a glance at herself in the mirror when she was leaving the bathroom, can probably guess she looks a mess.

Mikey is shifting, sitting up, his eyes leaving Regina to Daniel, who lays lifeless on the couch.

"Shit!"

He flies up from his spot, hangover and all be damned.

Regina watches as he examines Daniel's body, checking that he is, in fact, _dead_.

"How much did he take?" Mikey asks and Regina uses all her strength to pull herself up from the floor, to stand beside Mikey and look down at the body of her boyfriend.

It takes as much a strength to shrug, and even more to speak.

"I don't know..."

"We need to move him," Mikey says, voice lacking any emotion. "He can't be found here."

The words sting, hearing them aloud. He deserves proper help. His family deserve the support. What if they dump him somewhere and he isn't found until days later when all the bugs and birds have eaten at him?

She doesn't voice her concerns, however. She just kneels down and grasps Daniel's hand, falling against him as she whispers,

 _I'm sorry._

.:.:.:.:.:.

Grief and guilt gnaw at her, trying to rip her apart piece by piece. Regina can't shake the images of the bugs eating at him, the birds pecking at him. They chose a beach of all places, where all types of scavengers can be found. She hopes someone stumbles across Daniel's body soon.

Regina doesn't help with the attempt of a burial. She lingers by the truck, watching from afar as Mikey, and his friend Lee try to cover but Daniel's body as best they can. Regina knows it's a hopeless task; the sand is too soft, one blow from the wind and Daniel's body will be uncovered.

Perhaps that's for the best.

They're all connected by a secret now, swearing not to tell anyone the truth of Daniel's death and if anyone should come snooping around, which Lee is certain they will, they're to lie and say they don't know anything.

Regina can imagine it's easy for the other two, they've probably done this countless of times before but for Regina, it's a heavy nod. It takes all her might to agree and she doesn't dare speak least the words that exit her mouth are different to her gestures.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Mikey drops her off at her house.

Home.

It was never home, hasn't been since her father's death. Her _real_ father, not that cretin Mother remarried five years ago.

She hates this house.

Hates it with every ounce of her body. Befriending Daniel was a lifesaver, knowing she had someplace other than here to escape to when things at _home_ got too much. The world he'd introduced her to had been her sanctuary but when that wasn't an option, Daniel was enough.

Daniel would always be enough.

Now where would she go?

She hadn't thought of that at first. Or maybe she had, she doesn't know. All she knows now is that she feels completely trapped, wants to close in on herself and shut the world off.

But that isn't an option.

Now she has to act like everything is normal, act like she isn't grieving, like she isn't hungover of ecstasy and LSD and god knows whatever else she ended up taking last night.

It takes everything ounce of strength in her body not to collapse right there and then.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

There's no joy in this house anymore, the white walls and sharp decor take everything fun out of it. But perhaps it's fitting; a cold room to match her cold emotions.

She feels empty but full at the same time. She knows the emptiness comes from the aftermath of the drugs she took but the fullness...Regina knows that's the grief. Or perhaps it's the other way around.

She doesn't have the energy to grieve.

But she does so all the same.

Really, she just wants her bed; just wants to curl up in a ball and sleep this day (and all days to come) away. To answer to no do nothing but cry, to pour every bit of sadness away.

Everyone talks about the light at the end of the tunnel, but they never mention the second tunnels, or the third, or fourth tunnels because that's all there is. A bit of light, a bit of hope that you might be able to get off this train, but then there's a tunnel, one that runs longer than the last, each time getting longer and longer until that's all there is. Tunnels and that substitute as an escape.

Regina wishes she was dreaming now.

"You finally decide to show your face."

There are a lot of voices Regina would rather here right now; Father's, Daniel's, even Emma's would be nice.

Her mother does not have a spot on that list.

Mother's is sharp, judgemental, deprived of all natural soothing and comfort, nothing at all like a mother's voice should sound. Is there any wonder Regina used to cry whenever Cora held her.

"I was here the other day," Regina says. She tries to be aloof, to not let Cora know that anything is wrong, that anything has changed.

Had this been anyone else, they would've fallen into their mother's embrace. Had this been anyone else, they wouldn't have to go somewhere else just to feel free, they'd feel free right here, in a home that is just as much theirs at it is anyone else's. Had this been anyone else, they wouldn't have to fight to be distant, fight to keep things like they should be.

But Regina doesn't get that choice. She's not everyone else. And neither is Mother.

"Exactly," Cora says, crossing her arms. "The _other day_. Look at you. You look like you haven't sleep in days. Where have you been?"

Regina shuts her eyes. She can hear footfalls on the stairs behind her that she tries to focus on and not her desperation to just run back the way she came, to ignore all of Mother's questions and just run.

But where would she run?

"Regina."

The footsteps stop and Regina opens her eyes, feeling more tired than ever, feeling the urge to throw up again as she begins to heat up. But she knows she can't leave, not with Mother there, she'd instantly know something is wrong and she can't know that.

With a clench of her fists in yesterday's clothes, she mumbles, _Nowhere_.

"You're always _nowhere_ , aren't you?" Cora says, disgust covering her words. "And yet you come back looking worse than how you left. You're drifting away, Regina rolls her eyes, not in the mood for any of this, to hear this lecture, the same thing over and over again. "You've been doing so since you were eight when your-"

" _Don't_ ," Regina cuts in, her teeth bite the inside of her mouth as she fights to keep the tears back. "Don't mention him, not now." She begins backing away, trying to get away, get to the safety of her room where nobody will disturb her.

"Regina, where-"

Regina keeps moving back, unaware of where she's going until she bumps into another person. Regina spins, finding Killian standing there smiling at her. The footsteps...they belonged to him.

Cora calls her name again but she just pushes Killian out of the way, ignoring his _Hey!_ as her feet bang against the steps.

She feels a gush of something...everything; vomit mostly, but suffocation, too. She's been in this house for ten minutes and already it's sucking the air out of her.

She just about makes it to the toilet.

But she'd vomited everything up earlier, now it's nothing but acid, it all tumbling out of her mouth and into the bowl below her.

But it's not enough.

"Ever thought you could be pregnant?"

Regina shivers at the voice. Along with her mother not making the list of people's voices she wants to hear, another also makes that list. Her _loving_ stepfather.

"Go away!"

"Come on, Regina, it's just fatherly concern..." His hand touches her shoulder but Regina shakes it off. His touch is repulsive to her, he never wants him near her again.

"Don't touch me," she says, wiping her mouth as she stands and turns. Her eyes are dark, full of the hatred she feels for this man, the hatred and anger that runs through her, overriding that grief and guilt for just a moment.

It's nice actually.

She thinks for a second of all the things she and Daniel have talked about regarding this man. All the ways they've thought of killing him. Now nice it would be to do that now.

She had a dream that she killed him, poisoned him with snake venom and watched as he withered in pain, his face turn black with the toxin, all the while she smiled on through it.

"You don't get to do that anymore."

She doesn't wait for his reply, or even for his reaction, Regina just walks past him, resisting the urge to kick his cane.

She slams the door to her bedroom. All her energy used by grief and guilt, hatred and anger. Aloofness and a losing battle.

Regina slumps against the door, curling her knees to her chest, her head falling against her knees. She shuts her eyes, focusing on the breaths and not the emotions she feels, not the emotions that want to eat her up, want to bite painfully at her skin.

She needs to mourn, she knows, but she can't do that. Not here, not with them lurking about. She needs relief, a way out, but she has none, it's gone from her now, gone the moment Daniel died.

But she has something. Even if it's just a little. An overactive imagine, Father called it, and a fitting book to go with it.

It takes a lot, but she scrambles up to standing. Walks over to her curtains, grabbing the one book she owns on her shelf, and shuts the blinds, shuts the world out.

Clutching the book, she climbs into her bed. It's as cold as she feels but she knows it won't matter soon. Soon it'll be a rabbit hole, with Regina falling down and clocks falling, chairs, tables...Soon she won't be here, she'll be following the White Rabbit and having tea parties with the Mad Hatter.

Regina opens the first page.

 _Down. Goes. Alice._


	2. Chapter Two

**For all those sticking around for this, thank you. It's been said that this chapter isn't as dark as the last which I suppose is good. It's so much longer than the first too and I was tempted to split it into two different chapters but I was told that it flows better as it is. Similar warnings to the last chapter and there implication to sexual abuse is more clear in this. Also, Hook is a complete asshole in this fic but he has his reasons. That being said, I hope you enjoy :)**

The voices around her are nothing more than a low buzzing noise. An unnecessary sound that she doesn't need to listen to. Who cares what _a_ is a _substitute_ of?

She sketches on the piece of paper used for notes. So far, the only thing it's used for is Regina's conversation with a caterpillar. He sits on the mushroom, smoking his hookah just like in the book and Regina stands beneath him, waiting for his advice while all different types of mushrooms litter around them. If only she had some pencils to colour in it with.

She's about to look in her bag to see if she has any before her drawing is snatched away from her.

"Hey!" she cries, trying to grasp it back but Miss Fisher keeps it out of her reach.

Regina watches as her eyes trace over it, before throwing Regina that look. She turns it over onto the back to find it completely blank. The only thing occupying the paper is the drawing.

"You're supposed to be taking notes, Miss Mills," Miss Fisher says, handing the paper back to her. "Not drawing a scene from _Alice in Wonderland_."

A few students seated around her laugh but Regina just throws them a glare. Her eyes catch the empty seat on the other side of the room, however. How poignant is it against all other desks in the room.

When she looks back, he's there; leaning against the wall, chewing a pen. He catches her eyes and throws her a wink before laughing at something someone nearby said. A wisp of a smile passes her lips. Daniel's alive. Regina feels a warmth spread through her, comfort and that light at the tunnel visible.

Until the bell rings.

Everyone around her scrambles to leave, reality setting in as Regina looks back to the seat to find it still empty.

She feels the warmth rush out of her, making way for that familiar cold feeling she'd been feeling for two days now as that little spark of light closes, and she's engulfed in darkness.

.:.:.:.:.:.

She doesn't fully realise how lonely she is until she's walking through the crowded hallways. Around her, people laugh and giggle, whisper and gossip about everything that's happened during the weekend and the first few hours of being in school.

Usually, Regina walks around unnoticed, trailing after Daniel and his friends in an effort to get Daniel away from them just for just a few minutes.

Now, she's the centre of everyone's attention.

It's not surprisingly that news of Daniel's 'disappearance' has gotten around. On the Sunday he still hadn't returned home, his mother began putting missing posters around town, asking if anyone had seen Daniel. They'd made eye contact through the window when Cora had sent Regina to the store. No words were spoken between the two, just a glare then Mrs Colter walking away.

Regina tries ignoring them; their stares, their whispers. She thinks of what her mother says, _They're all just ants on the ground, scurrying around, trying to please everyone. They're not worth your time._

It's not often Regina listens to Cora's words but they're helpful in this situation.

Regina's also not blind to the missing posters that have made it to school, either. There's at least one on every wall, all seeming like they were staring at her. She's surrounded by Daniels, her eyes jumping from one poster to the next as she stops dead in the corridor, lost in the waves of people walking by.

The photo that stares at her is one she knows all too well. How fitting should it be that Mrs Colter uses the photo someone had taken during the family's trip to a beach. Regina can remembers begging Daniel not to go, or to somehow sneak her along. He'd only laughed, promising her that he'd call and message her every day. The messages were usually photos of him, of his little sister, a few of the view. The photo that now occupies the poster is the one she has saved as her home screen.

Regina feels a tap against her arm, bringing her back to the sounds of chatter and life as she looks down to find a little blonde freshman staring up at her. The girl hands her a note, _This is for you_ before Regina's taking it, murmuring a _thank you_ and the freshman is running off through the current of students.

Regina unfolds the paper, not surprised to find the familiar loopy handwriting and the message, _My office, end of the day - Dr Hopper_ scrawled onto it.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Her fingers drum against her crossed knees, in time to the ticking owl clock.

If there was ever a more familiar room in the school, it was Dr Hopper's office. Since freshman year she'd been in and out of this office whether it was just for a check up or a serious issue. For the past year Regina hadn't had any appointments and it was nice, refreshing to feel independent and not like she had to relay her life story every day.

She knows why she's been called here now. Most knew of her close relationship with Daniel and with his disappearance ( _death_ ) she can imagine just why Dr Hopper would want to speak to her.

"How are you, Regina?"

Her hands clutch around the cuffs of her hoodie as she looks everywhere but at Hopper.

"I'm fine," she lies.

"You don't look fine. When was the last time you had a good sleep?"

She hadn't tried to disguise her tiredness today, not in her mood or in how she presented herself. It's a miracle she even got past her mother looking like this. Cora believed one should always look their best in public and, well, this definitely isn't Regina's best; black clothes, an oversized hoodie and hair in a wild disarray of curls and knots. Nope, this is definitely not her best look.

Regina shrugs. Possibly the last time she got a decent amount of sleep was when she was seven years old and before. When Father was still around to read her bedtime stories and she would fall asleep to the gentle sound of his voice. Now she's nothing more than an insomniac; hours spent with her eyes plastered onto her bedroom door in the fear that it'll slowly open and he will pay her a nightly visit.

That hasn't happened in three years, though, but the fear is still there and it's that fear that keeps her from falling asleep at night. She needs to be on her guard at all times and she can't do that when she's asleep.

"Have you heard any word from Daniel?"

The mention of his name for the first time all day is like an going through her heart. Images of the beach and the bugs and crows eating him enter her mind, she takes them away though with the shake of her head. A silent _No_.

"This must be a hard time for you. Daniel's disappearance has definitely hit us all but I can't imagine how it must feel for you." Regina shifts uncomfortably. It's right there, right on the tip of her tongue, the truth. How much she wants to tell Archie that Daniel's dead, how an overdose killed him.

But she can't.

She's too selfish to.

"Your teachers have already told me how you're losing focus in class."

That much was true. Miss Fisher's algebra class wasn't the only one she'd been caught doodling in. There were also many others that she had no interest in listening or participating in.

She wants to tell him how she doesn't care for school anymore, how lessons are the last thing on her mind now.

But she doesn't even have the energy for that.

She doesn't have the energy to even be here.

Dr Hopper reaches over onto the coffee table, picking up one of the perfectly aligned and laid out leaflets he has. Regina had seen them countless of times on her visits but never paid much attention to them and Archie, in turn, had never given her one. Until now.

"It's a support group," he says, handing the green card over to her. "They allow anyone who is struggling; grief, depression, stress, _drugs_." Regina's head shoots up but Archie doesn't notice, he carries on listing the things this group helps people with. She lets herself breathe, if he knew he would've said and tried to help; question her on why she feels the need for that kind of lifestyle. But he hasn't. She's not here for that. He's not giving her this leaflet for that.

Regina takes it, looking over it and all its fancy words. It does what Archie told her; it's a support group, simple.

"Attend one session," Archie says. "Then come back next week and tell me what you think."

Regina bites her lip, staring down and running her eyes over the words. It beats going home.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Thinking back, Regina would have rather gone home then go to this.

The woman- Katie, her name is- who seems to run the group is just too happy as she patronisingly tries to get everyone to talk about their problems. Which they do.

All except Regina.

But these stories weigh her down. She doesn't have the strength to listen to why these people are alcoholics, why they feel like they're letting their children down, why they're depressed because they're cat got run over. It's all meaningless, none of them are going through what she's going through.

Grief.

It's about an hour in when she loses interest all together, turning to face the window instead and watch a bird sit in a tree. She doesn't even like birds and yet it's more interesting than this.

Why doesn't she have her sketchpad again?

"May I go to the toilet?"

She must have cut someone off because the look the woman gives her has Regina a little worried but she redirects her attention to Katie who was listening rather intensely at whatever the other woman was saying and is now spluttering a little.

"Wh- why, of course, you can." the girl says.

Regina smiles, reaching for her bag with the intent on never coming back to this group when everyone's attention is taken to the sound of running footsteps and puffed breaths, trainers squeaking against the polished floor as a boy comes running in, panting.

"Sorry, I'm late."

He sets his bag down next to an empty seat and falls into the chair, slouching against it as he tries to regain his breath back.

Regina, however, just stares, bag hanging limply in her hand as she takes this person in. Out of everyone in attendance today, they're the only teenagers in the room, everyone around them is twenty and older. He's sweaty, hair a darker shade of brown in some places and he's still hearing his gym clothes, not to mention that she can smell him from where she's standing.

Katie checks the list. "You must be Robin, right?"

Robin nods, sitting himself more upright. "Robin Locksley."

Katie ticks his name off and smiles before turning to Regina. "I thought you were going to the bathroom?"

Regina looks down at the leader, then takes note of all the people staring at her, including this Robin.

"I don't need it anymore." She drops her bag and places herself back into her seat. For some reason, she's suddenly interested in why this Robin person is here.

"We were just telling each other why we're here," says Katie, talking to Robin. "Perhaps you'd like to tell your story."

Robin leans forward, throwing a hand through his sweat-covered hair and nervously laughing as he takes in everyone in the circle.

"Well, I suppose we should start with the original reason I'm here." He rubs his hands together, eyes scanning the different faces for someone he feels comfortable talking at, and that person just so happens to be Regina. "I'm a drug addict."

Regina freezes. Biting her lip as her own eyes make contact with his. There's no recognition in there, she's just a nameless face, someone his eyes found easily because she's sitting right opposite him.

"Or I was," he corrects, looking away towards the floor. "It's complicated. I'm trying to get off them but it's been...difficult."

Regina shifts, coughing a little. Why couldn't he be like everyone else and talk about stuff that means nothing to Regina? She doesn't know why, but whenever drugs are mentioned by anyone outside 'the circle', she feels uncomfortable. She once told this to Daniel but he just said it was because everyone always talked about why they were bad, never the advantages they had, never how they make someone feel. It's always negative. Always about getting off them and never about the freedom they give you. It all made sense after he said that.

"And that is why you're here?" asks Katie, though it doesn't sound like a question. "To seek help?"

Robin nods. "I was hoping someone in this group would be able to help me through it." His eyes land back on Regina and she looks everywhere but at him. Why didn't she just leave already?

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Her footsteps hit against the floor, much like Robin's had earlier. He'd been off the moment the session ended, already charging down the corridor before Regina had even grabbed her bag.

Why she was so desperate to speak to him, she didn't fully understand. Maybe it was the relation to the drugs? On the thoughts were she'd now go to get her dose (Daniel had pretty much been her supplier after all) it had also crossed her mind that maybe she didn't want to do it anymore. The memory of Daniel lying there, cold and gone had seared itself into her mind and, in all honesty, the thought of going out the same way scared her.

Was she looking for a way to get off them? Possibly, and if Robin had attempted to do it, she could too right?

Of course there was the case of what they were both on, which turned out to be two separate things. Amidst his story, someone asked what Robin was addicted to and that turned out to be a simple bit of weed. Regina was on ecstasy, LSD...anything to get her to another world. Well far away from the likes of mellow weed. Was it really possible for her?

"Hey!" she shouts just as she catches up to him. She slows down when she sees him stopping, going into a walk as he spins.

"Can I ask you something?" she asks as she nears him.

"Sure."

"How did you give it up?"

She watches him frown, shrug a little before saying, "I limited the attempt of times I took it. Why?"

Regina shakes her head. That was all she wanted to know. Now she sees to get home, to her bed and her book and shut the world out once more. Maybe even paint a little.

"I just wanted to know." She goes to walk off before Robin's grabbing her arm. It's gentle and the moment she spins and eyes him up, he's off her, backing away a little.

"Sorry, I just...You're one to, aren't you?"

Regina bites her lip, knowing what he's asking but still, "I'm what?"

"An addict."

 _People always talk about how bad it is. Never the freedom it gives you_.

"So what?" she bites, a little more sharply than she intended to. "It's better than being here."

"What are you addicted to? Tell me."

Regina shakes her head. "I'm not _addicted_ to anything. It's just an escape, that's all."

Yet she remembers the first time she ever tried it. How a few days later she wanted more even after saying she'd never do it anything. How the first time became a third, a fourth, a fifth, until three years at past and now she's worrying about what she'll do next weekend.

Weren't they all the signs of someone addicted?

Regina takes in a breath, calming herself down.

"I'm sorry," she says. "Everything is just...difficult."

Robin gives her a soft smile. "Here, why don't we help each other out? People who don't want to give up don't usually ask those sorts of questions."

Regina finds herself smiling, too. But then it drops. She smiled. Smiled properly for what felt like the first time in days.

"Well, I'm on something a little more than weed every other Saturday."

Robin laughs, one sounding similar to how Daniel used to laugh and instead of the stabbing pain she feels whenever something reminds her of Daniel, she's filled with comfort, that warm feeling from earlier in Miss Fisher's class spreading through her once more.

Maybe they can help each other after all.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

It's been a while since she's painted. Drawn sketches of various things in her pad or on a bit of paper, sure, but not properly painted with colours and a brush.

She usually does it on her high. The memory, of sorts. A representation of what was going on in her head in that moment. It's how she has castles, birds dressed in human clothing and people who can speak to them. Bursts of magic and other things that don't exist and are not real.

It's her own little wonderland.

Right now, her painting is all over the place. Splashes of colour here and there. Not staying on one area of the canvas and moving to another area, moving sporadically around until it's just a hurricane of colours with next-to-no detail on it.

 _Anything can be art_.

She jumps when her door is roughly opened. He's like a wrecking ball, barging into her room unannounced.

"You're in more than you're out these days," says Killian, sitting himself on her bed. His black jeans and studded leather jackets stark against Regina's white walls and butterfly bedding. "What's happened?"

Her foster brother spreads his days living under a rock. He barely leaves his room for any reason and hasn't done so since he left school three years ago. He lives off Mother and Leopold's pay check, never going out and looking for his own job. He'll be thirty, still living under this roof.

"Nothing," Regina mumbles, focusing on her painting.

She hopes her short answers and lack of conversation will get him to leave, after all, he's only ever bothering her when he wants something.

But no, he's still sitting there, peaking around the edge of the canvas to see what she's doing and Regina tries with all her strength to stay focused and ignore him.

Until he smirks.

"Itchy?" he asks, then laughs. "You can usually last longer than this."

He's right. It's only Thursday and already it's getting hard to focus on anything but the need. She feels like she's drowning, trying to grasp hold of something. But there's nothing around. It's just her. Her and the water and the drowning.

It's why she's painting.

"I heard Jeff has some pills in his drawer."

Regina tightens her grip on her paint brush. The thought of a bottle just there, right next door, less than fifty feet away has her tempted. Her tongue comes out to wet her lips. They're right there. Right there and all she has to do is ask.

No!

She pushes her thoughts away from it, closing that door and continues painting.

"That's not me anymore."

Killian regards her for a second and Regina watches as he moves from the bed to behind her. She tenses up at the feel of his body sliding up against hers and shuts her eyes, her grip loosening around the brush as his hands rest on her hips and pull her forcefully back to him.

Regina opens her eyes and stares at the corner of the room, numbing herself to any feeling or memory the situation provokes as she tries not to think of another's nose tracing her shoulder and neck.

She shivers at the breath of air in her ear as Killian whispers, "Once an addict, always an addict."

That restarts something in her then, has her returning to her body and the moment as she digs an elbow into his ribs. He jumps away from her, clutching his ribs, crying out _Little bitch!_ and Regina kicks him in the shins for good measure, until he's limping dramatically out the door, cursing along the way.

Regina watches him disappear into his own hole before she's slamming the door shut, the noise rattling the house, and sighing loudly. She seriously needs a lock on her door.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Daniel used to say she beat herself up too much, that she was too hard on herself. Yet it's hard to stay feeling positive about herself when she has Cora Mills for a mother and it's even harder to stay positive about herself when she's constantly letting herself down.

Like last night.

The whole operation was risky. Taking it in that house was risky. But she'd managed it, somehow. She'd waited until her other foster brother was asleep. The boy could sleep through a bomb going off but Regina still wanted to be certain. And when she was, she'd sneaked into his room. He'd been well away, covers falling off him, bare feet hanging over the edge of the bed, mouth open and snoring. It would take a lot to wake him up.

It hadn't taken Regina a long time to find the pills, either. The top of his drawers that she was certain he used to lock. Until he lost the key for it.

With one last glance towards Jeff, she reaches for his last bottle. It's a death sentence if he realises it's gone but Regina doesn't think he will, he'll probably think he took more or had less bottles than he thought.

It had been strange taking it alone. All the other times, Daniel had been there with her and they'd experienced the effects together. It was a little lonely at first, but once it began to kick in, she'd grabbed her sketchpad and began drawing everything she saw around her and basking in the euphoria.

She wishes she was in that state now. Even if she does feel a little bad about it.

Regina stares at the piece of paper, more importantly, the giant red F that stares up at her.

She doesn't even try to force herself to care. She just looks up expectantly at Miss Fisher, waiting for her to give Regina some sort of detention.

But it doesn't come.

"See what doodling gets you."

The bell rings as Miss Fisher makes her way to her desk. While students scramble out of their seats once more, sharing their grades with their friends, Regina takes her time, muscles sore which she can only blame on last night as she trails after the rest of the class.

"Regina!"

Regina spins, regretting it almost immediately when the room spins with her. She shuts her eyes for a second, waiting for everything to be still, before she opens them again.

Miss Fisher looks like she's about to say something and Regina waits, but the woman just shakes her head, reaching for a note on her desk.

"Dr Hopper wants to see you in his office."

Regina takes the note, not even mumbling a thank you and makes her way to Archie's office.

Most of her sessions take place after school, but it isn't entirely uncommon for one to take place at lunch. Not that Regina minds, she has no appetite anymore anyway.

"Regina, hi!" says Archie when she enters the room. The ends of Regina's mouth lift for in a half-assed smile as she makes her way to the couch, throwing her bag on the floor at her feet.

"How are you?"

Regina shrugs, having no energy to even speak and Archie regards her, giving her one of those concerned expressions before he's sighing and reaching over to his desk.

"You're report cards have just been printed," he says and Regina looks to the envelope he holds in his hands.

She thinks back to all the grades she'd gotten on quizzes and essays. Ds and under she'd been getting, something that didn't bother her at the time but seeing that envelope now, knowing where it was going and who would see it first, it has her stomach twisting. She knows what those cards say, she knows what letters will be next to each subject. She knows they aren't the letters her mother would want to see staring up at her.

She begins heating up, the room temperature suddenly becoming too hot. Her stomach swirls as her finger clench together. Dr Hopper frowns, a concerned _Regina?_ and she can't keep it down.

"I need...I need..."

He reaches for the trashcan, shoving it under her immediately as Regina empties her guts into it. When she's finished, he places it back on the floor and Regina regains her breathing, deep breaths just like the man in front of her taught her. A simple count backwards from ten.

She feels better, the acid in her stomach only swirling a little now. She probably won't throw up again.

"Does my mother have to see that?" she's asking.

"Is that what made you throw up?"

It's rude to answer a question with a question but no, not really. Or maybe it did, if just a little. The rest was the side effects of the ecstasy last night.

Regina nods gently.

Dr Hopper sighs, leaning back. "You know it does," he says sadly. The truth has tears coming to her eyes. Anything under a C is unacceptable to Mother, how is she going to act when she sees all the Fs?

"Surely your mother would understand your grief?"

Regina shakes her head again, furiously wiping away the tears. Pathetic.

"She doesn't know does she?"

Regina swallows before speaking, looking towards the framed degrees on the set of drawers behind Archie. "She'll just tell me to get over it."

She hears the scribble of a pen on paper and looks to see Dr Hopper writing something down on a pad. Once he's done, he looks up at her.

"Many teachers put your grades down to the disappearance of Daniel," he says but there's a shift in his voice. It's usually soft, full of warmth if not sometimes a bit patronising. The way he speaks now is distant. Or perhaps that's just her. "But I saw your last report card from last semester. Your grades had began slipping even then."

There was no lie in that. During freshman year, Regina had been all straight As, surprising given the circumstances that were happening around those times. But the more involved in drugs she got, the less grades mattered to her. She had Daniel, she didn't need to seek the attention of her mother through good grades and awards, the only attention and praise mattered was Daniel's so her grades began slipping through sophomore and junior years, jumping from As to Bs to Cs and now finally Ds, Fs, mostly all minuses.

Dr Hopper leans forward. "So I think it's something more than just Daniel's disappearance that has these grades going down."

Regina wets her lips. She's told this man more than she intended to over the last four years, from Leopold's abuse and her mother's dismissal of her to the little things like the stress of exams. Not once has she been afraid to let him know something but telling him this, telling him of her...addiction as Robin and Killian put it, telling him of her guilt over Daniel's death, she can't do it.

"Everything is fine, Dr Hopper," she says, voice distant and hard. "It's just what everyone is saying; it's just down to Daniel's disappearance."

The bell signalling the end of lunch rings, ending their session and Regina reaches for her bag, standing up from the couch. She places a hand on the doorknob, ready to pull it open, before Archie is grabbing her attention again.

"Your session," he says. "How did it go?"

Happy to be on a different subject, Regina lets go of the handle and turns. "Okay," she says, missing out the first hour were she wanted to leave. "In the end."

"Will you be attending the next session?"

She leaves with no answer, just a simple shrug. In all honesty, it's not her favourite place to go (though home is much worse) and the thought of seeing Robin after last night's failure has her feeling a little ashamed, like she'd let him down some way.

It's totally ridiculous, she doesn't even _know_ him, listened to his story for thirty minutes and spoke to him afterwards for all of five. She shouldn't feel like she's let anyone down but herself.

Yet, he'd touched something in her. This stranger ready to help her through something when he doesn't even know her name, it's more than anyone has ever done before.

"I didn't think I'd see you again."

The sound of his voice makes her jump, question if she's just hearing things, but when she turns her head, there he is, leaning against the lockers looking cleaner than yesterday and no longer in gym clothes.

" _You_ ," Regina says, disbelievingly. Why is he even here?

Robin pushes off the lockers, coming to stand in front of her. "Me," he says, a smile on his face.

Regina is still in disbelief.

"Why are you here?"

Robin chuckles. "The support group isn't the only place we'll be seeing each other, it seems."

"You're also here, too?"

Robin nods. "I moved here to week ago, only just got school sorted out today." He looks around the hallway, sighing, before shyly looking back at her. "But I'm a bit lost."

She shouldn't laugh, but she can't help it. Days of getting lost in this place are long gone and it's easy to forget how easy it is to do so.

"What lesson have you got?"

"Art, apparently."

Regina's smile fades. Now she has to contend with him in her classes too? She lets out a breath, pasting that simple back onto her face and grabbing his arm. "Come on, you're in the same class as me."

She hears his _Cool_ as she drags him down the corridor.

It's nice to have someone to walk next to. She used to have Daniel and it became hard to adjust to those first days having no one there, to fight the stares off on her own. Most of the stares have died down now, the whisper too, gossip has moved on and so have the people. Today's news; Sean and Ella's breakup.

"So," Robin begins, breaking the silence that had formed. "How long have you been seeing the therapist for?"

It shouldn't come as a surprise that he saw her exiting his office, it is by the lockers where he was standing after all, it also shouldn't surprise her that he can read.

With a glance around to make sure no ears are nearby (not that it should matter, it isn't new news that she attends school therapy) she says, "Since freshman year. That's when all the big problems started," she laughs.

"What type of problems?"

Her smile fades once more and she grows quiet, not wanting to get into all the mucky business of her family situation and certain relationships. Robin seems to get the hint also, and doesn't press her for answers. A silence falls between the two again.

After a few minutes, the silence becomes awkward.

"So, you enjoying school?"

"Yeah, yeah," says Robin. "It's different."

"How?"

"They're bigger, for starters."

Regina lets out a puff of laughter. "That's how you got lost?"

Robin, in turn, laughs. "Yeah. So, you coming to the support group tonight?"

Regina bites her lip, unsure. She wants to go, she does but then she'd have to tell him that she failed and gave in.

But then, isn't that the point? He did, after all, say he'd been struggling.

So Regina nods. If they're going to do this, they may as well be honest with each other.


	3. Chapter Three

**So this plot is going faster than I thought it was and unless I find some way to slow it down, I don't think it'll have many chapters. All the usual warnings (if you're still reading this, you know what this fic has) but on top of that I'd like to include anxiety (a lot in this chapter) Also, just to be on the safe side, there is a possible implication to an eating disorder in all honesty, that wasn't my intention but it does come off that in that sort way so just be careful around that area. There's also a warning for dubious consent and if you don't like Hooked Queen, don't read the last part (though it is kinda important) Thanks to Clare for being my beta again and I hope you rest of you enjoy :)**

Regina rolls her eyes at the sound of his elephant feet; each step sounding loud enough to break the stairs. Someone's in a mood, clearly.

She jumps, almost spilling the milk everywhere when the kitchen door whacks against the wall, bouncing off it with enough force to slam shut.

"Where is it, Regina?"

Regina sighs, not bothering to turn as she places her bread in the toaster. "Where's what?" she asks, pushing the handle down.

"My _Stuff_."

With another roll of her eyes, she spins around, taking in Killian's frustrated expression.

"I don't know, maybe you smoked it all?"

"I had enough there to last for tonight. We all know you're like a rat scurrying around at night."

Regina scoffs. It isn't the first time this has happened. Whenever any of Killian's weed goes missing, the first person he blames is Regina when in most cases, he's either smoked too much, Jeff's got off with some, or he's just lost a bit- his room is a shit-tip after all.

"Have you tried asking Jeff?" Regina asks, just as her toast pops up. Can't she just eat her breakfast in peace? She turns around, grabbing the bread out of the toaster and dropping it down onto her plate.

She hears his frustrated sigh as he leaves, feet once again banging against the stairs like some four year in the midst of a tantrum. Regina lets out her own sigh, shaking her as she takes her breakfast to the table. Her appetite hadn't fully returned but she was hungry and well, that helped at least.

The TV fizzles on in the background but Regina isn't really listening to it, instead she mentally goes through the list of things she has to do today, and one of those things was to visit Archie. Sometimes the appointments were helpful but other times they just left unnecessary. Not a day had gone by where a teacher hadn't asked if she was okay, if she needed time out for anything. Weeks ago, she would've begged for the attention, cried to be noticed but now she has that, she'd rather it all go back to how it is, when people weren't sticking their noses in on her life every day. Hell, Mikey and Lee don't get that sort of treatment and they were Daniel's friends!

 _"...The body of seventeen year old Daniel Colter has been found..."_

Regina's heart stops, her head whipping around to face the TV. She scrambles out of her chair, food forgotten and her heart pumping as she tries to find the remote.

 _"...Police report it may have been a dump-job..."_

Regina freezes, her hand clutching about the object as she stares at the screen. They know he was dumped. Or think he was dumped. How long before they know she was involved? Regina swallows, trying to tear her eyes away from the screen but she can't, not until the journalist cuts back to the studio.

"Wasting food again?"

Regina jumps, spinning at the sound of her mother's voice. Cora eyes Regina's breakfast distastefully before moving to the pile of letters on the edge of the table.

"No," says Regina, placing the remote back on the couch and going back to the table. She tries to eat her toast but that little ounce of appetite she had moments ago has now gone leaving the toast feeling thick and dry in her throat.

"They found the boy then?" Cora asks, throwing all but one envelope back onto the table.

Regina nods, eyeing up the letter Mother holds in her hands. It's different to all the rest; the handwritten address and the dark pink envelope. They rarely get letters from anyone they know personally.

"Faye will be happy then."

 _No_ , Regina thinks, throwing the crust of the toast down and moving onto her soggy cereal. _At least when she thought he was missing there was still some hope he was alive. This just confirms the worst._

"It's incredible she looked for him for so long," Cora says, more focused on the letter now. "Though it probably was only for appearance sake."

 _It's because she loved her child...unlike you._

Cora folds up the letter, placing it back into the envelope with a cheerful smile on her face.

"Your sister's coming home."

Regina swallows. "I thought she was staying in England with Eva."

She watches Cora cringed at the name. It wasn't a secret that mother and Eva Blanchard (as she still calls herself) have a hatred for one another, stemming back to when they were children. Mother never told her anymore, just that they didn't get along very well.

"Apparently she's coming back. Tonight. So be home."

Regina insists the urge to sigh. Or tut. Or do anything that shows she disagrees.

"I have art tonight," is all she says.

"Well you're going to have to miss it this week," Cora dismisses. "Your sister deserves a welcome party with all the family there."

Regina watches her mother leave, only slumping into her hand when Cora is upstairs and out of eyeshot.

She was looking forward to art tonight.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

 _They found his body._

 _They said he was dumped there._

 _Who d'ya reckon did it?_

 _What d'ya reckon he died off?_

 _Drugs, dickhead, everyone knows that._

 _Yeah, but how can they be certain?_

She's swimming in a sea of voices, drowning. They're all around her, all whispering the same thing, all talking about the same thing. The cafeteria is alive with a matter Regina doesn't want to hear.

 _You reckon his friends knew? What about his girlfriend? She's been acting weird, hasn't she?_

 _She's always acting weird._

 _Yeah but like, doodling and shit, always somewhere else. Always running in and out of Dr Hopper's office._

"Lily, she's right there!"

Regina had thought she'd found a perfect table near the back of the hall, figured nobody would bother her and she would be able to eat her pasta in peace.

That wasn't the case, though.

All the other tables must've been taken because, not ten minutes later, Regina's once empty table was now being overrun by five other girls, those who immediately began talking about today's news and the number one topic at school: Daniel.

"So?" says Lily, sending a dirty look towards Regina. "She's mental if she thinks nobody's going to talk about it."

There had been some naive thought as Regina left home that perhaps nobody would talk about it, some hope that something more interesting had happened. But nope, nothing is more interesting than a body being found, a body of a person you know.

Regina swirls her fork in her pasta, her eyes solely on what she's doing but her ears still listening to the conversation.

"I just don't think we should be so vocal about it," says Emma. "Especially when she's just at the end of the table."

There's a warmth that spreads through her at the sound of Emma defending her, that hasn't happened in years.

But that warmth is taken away at the sound of Lily's laugh. "You're still sticking up for her after what she did to you? Seriously?"

"That doesn't matter anymore. She's alone."

 _I don't need pity,_ Regina thinks. It's more an absent thought that comes to her mind, something natural that would once come raging into her mind like a ball of fire. She'd have said those word aloud, angry, adamant that she wasn't weak, that she didn't need their hopeless pity. Now it's nothing but a mandatory, small thought. A wisp of what would've been there years ago.

Let them pity her.

"And she deserves it."

She knows Lily's walked off when she hears her friends call back for her. She'll admit the words did sting a bit. These were once her friends, her best friends. At one time she'd be sitting there with them, laughing and gossiping, bitching, and then Regina would glance around the room, catch Daniel's gaze and he'd smile. Her insides would turn to jelly as she tries to fight back that smile when you're just...happy and all her friends would tease her about it.

She glances over to them, hears Belle ask if they should go find her but even Regina knows that when Lily's pissed off, it's best to give her space.

Regina does meet eyes with Emma, though and she bites the inside of her lip, unsure exactly what would happen if she kept her gaze with the girl but Emma just smiles, it's small and full of sadness but a hell of a better response Regina got the last time off her.

.:.:.:.:.:.

"You got any plans for Christmas?"

His voice is like a pin, bursting through her thoughts; a balloon floating down from the sky to the ground, back to earth.

It's hard to say that she'd been thinking of, her thoughts had been everywhere. She thought about Daniel mostly, the thought of whether Faye Colter would let her visit him, would she even let her be there for the funeral? Regina had also thought about what Lily said, it's been playing on her mind, the constant question of does she deserve to be alone? Does anyone?

She thinks about what Dr Hopper would say; he'd tell her to surround herself in as many people as she can, to not deal with her grief alone but as far as Regina is concerned, she's only got one- the person sitting next to her that she's only known for a matter of weeks.

"My family's going away," she answers. It's something they've done since her mother remarried.

"And you're not going, I take it?"

Thank god no. Regina had been surprised, to say the least, that Mother had even given her a choice to stay or go. When she first heard about the idea (by eavesdropping, but Mother doesn't know that) anxiety filled up inside her. She hadn't been on a vacation since Father was good and healthy and that was only to see their extended family in the south. It wasn't much but that vacation had been the last good memory Regina had, somewhere different with her father and she didn't want to ruin that memory by going elsewhere with _him_. But Mother had given her a choice, and has given her one ever since and each time, Regina opted to stay home.

"So what are you going to do about Christmas?" Robin asks, frowning.

She hadn't given much thought to that. In the past, she'd spent it at Daniel's, even when they'd just been friends. It had been nice, Christmas remained that happy, family feeling it was supposed to be- it wasn't something that Leopold Blanchard could come along and ruin, just like everything else.

But now she wouldn't have that. She wouldn't have Daniel. There'd be no way his mother would invite her in, she was only really accepted because of what she meant to Daniel and now he was gone...

Well, she could always...

Regina looks towards the ground, her feet lightly scraping across the stones. Of course that's what she'd think of doing. She feels tears come to her eyes, eyes stinging as the wind whips around her. Perhaps Christmas has been ruined after all.

"Hey," she hears Robin says, his hand cupping underneath her chin. "Are you okay?"

Regina nods, sniffles, _It's just the wind_ , she says but she knows Robin isn't buying it.

"Something's wrong, I know it is."

She wipes the tears away, really has no idea why she's even crying- maybe it's to do an overwhelming day, but then, isn't every day overwhelming to her?

Regina shakes her head, "It's nothing," she whispers, her voice dry and croaky from the wind.

"Regina."

He doesn't say her name often, usually it's _Hey!_ like he doesn't get to say her name and she's never understood why, she has, on countless of times, uttered his name. But maybe his lack of saying her name is what makes it special when he does, has a warmth spreading through her that she hasn't felt in days. Usually it's just dark and coldness, a restlessness but when Robin's around, it's like that first shine of sunlight after a really long, cold winter.

It makes her crime even more worse.

"I let you down," she mutters and she watches the confusion etch across his face. "I failed and I gave in," the tears she only moments ago just wiped away come back as she confesses. "I took them again."

Robin just lets out a breath, a mumbled, non-judgmental _Regina_ which makes the tears come harder as he brings her closer to him, hugging her against him.

He's soft and warm, smelling like forest she notices and not for the first time as, as she breathes him in. She'll never admit it out loud but it's nice being weak, nice having someone to comfort you, to not feel like you always need to fight and stay alert, to just show some other emotion other than coldness.

Tears dot his shirt and she wonders if he cares, wonders if she cares that she gave in.

She doesn't think he does.

With a frown, she realises that this is the first time she's been held since the night before Daniel died. The first time someone's embraced her in a comforting way. She melts into it, her eyes shutting and this is nice, really nice, she could get used to this.

Yet the moment she shuts her eyes, she sees Daniel's body, all eaten and decayed, left on the beach where she dumped him. It has her eyes opening, fast, a shiver running through her and the arm Robin has still wrapped around her rubbing against her arm in an effort to warm her up.

She looks to the sky, specks of blue covered by clouds and she never believed in a Heaven, never believed that lost ones could be looking down upon them but if she did and if they are, would Daniel really want to see her like this? A shell of what she used to be? She was always a shadow of her former self after her father's death, but there was still some Regina in there; the sassiness and the fight. Now she can barely get out of bed in the morning and make herself look half decent, he wouldn't want to see that.

That's when she moves her head, looks up at Robin to find him resting against the wall, his eyes closed. Regina's own eyes flicker down to his lips and a sudden urge to feel alive, to feel there and living takes over her, coursing through her body that she's not even aware she has control over anymore.

It's a shifting from her seated position, up onto her knees. She hears his murmured, _What're you doing?_ but this primal urge is forcing her to ignore it, to not answer as she moves his arm from around her own and bring her head up around his head to push it down as her mouth connects with his.

It's like a drug itself, it's own magic. Ripping through her the moment their lips even touch. It has her eyes widening while she stares at his confused ones, the way his hands wrap tight around her, ready to push her off him but Regina doesn't want that, she wants more, needs more as that urge kicks in once more. She shuts her eyes, determined to have more of him but he's not reciprocating back, not giving her anything. It has her frustrated, a growl escaping as she clambers over him, biting his bottom lip, hard, in an effort to get them to part.

Which they do.

He lets out a little muffled _Ah_ but Regina keeps him quiet, her tongue seeping into his mouth, trying to deepen their kiss, little _zings!_ zapping through her.

She feels his arms gently push her away, _Regina, stop_. She grabs his arms, pulling him off her and pinning them to the bench below him. She doesn't want to stop, this is something she wants, something she needs, needs to feel after so long of feeling nothing.

She moves her lips to his throat, his mouth useless and not doing anything. Scratches of teeth and little twirls of her tongues against his skin. Robin moans when her teeth catch against an area, it has an excited grin stretch across her face, he wants this. Good, they're finally on the same page.

With that in mind, her hands wander to the button of his jeans, keeping him distracted with her teeth and that sensitive spot as she tries to pop the button.

Until those hands she had moved grip her wrist, halting her movements. The sudden touch has her mouth moving away from him. They lock eyes, both they're breathing heavy, his hands still wrapped around her wrists. His eyes are so blue.

There's a moment when those eyes flick down to her lips and Regina wonders if he'll kiss her and they'll proceed, even leans in a little closer but Robin just moves away- or as far away as he can with a wall behind him- an awareness in his eyes. Regina's heart deflates, regret and disappointment seeping in as his grip around her wrists relaxes and he sighs.

It doesn't take much for him to lift her off him, she's practically weightless, lost in her own shame. He must hate her now, surely.

A perfectly timed moment, the bell rings. She watches him look towards the school and then back to her, pity in his eyes.

"I need to get to class."

He gets up from the bench then and Regina does nothing to stop him from leaving. She just watches him go with a certainty that he'll never want anything to do with her again.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

She's fidgety, the first sign. Weary, too. Her eyes jumping from one person to the next, they're faces zooming in and out. She can hear Snow telling her father a story, one of many Regina can guess, and the sound of Leo's laughter and Mother's, _Mary, less talking and more eating please._

Regina's barely touched her own food. She can't. The smell of it is enough to make her feel sick. Killian and Jeff are doing just fine, practically on their way to finishing. Snow's taking her time because she's too busy talking and Mother and Leo are nearly done.

A dirty habit she used to hate, eating the skin on her fingers, ripping it off with her teeth. She doesn't do it often, only when she gets the need.

Her thoughts are racing. After their... _misunderstanding_ , Robin and Regina hadn't seen each other for the rest of the day. Both going out of their ways to ignore each other, turning the opposite ways and walking and long way to their classroom if they ever so much and got a glimpse of the other. It had been hard, the realisation that she was once again back to feeling lonely.

"Regina, Snow asked you a question."

She pauses with her thumb in her mouth, everyone looking at her. Mother won't scold her "almost-adult" teenage daughter in public but the look she's giving Regina right now is enough to tell Regina to take her thumb out of her mouth now. She glances to Killian and Jeff; Killian, who's giving her a suspicious look as if trying to figure out what's wrong with her (he knows what's wrong) and Jeff only sparing her one glance before heading back to his curry.

"I'm sorry," Regina says, reaching for her fork. "What were you saying, Snow?"

"I asked how was school."

Regina forces the salad into her mouth, anything to look normal, but it feels thick and clunky in her mouth, nothing like salad should taste like.

"It was fine," Regina dismisses, swallowing the salad a bit too soon. It gets stuck in her throat but with a bit of force, and some water, she swallows it down. "Nothing interesting happened."

"Oh," the girl sounds disappointed at that but says nothing more of it. Instead, choosing to change the subject. "Are we going away again this year?"

"Yes," says Leo, looking towards Mother. "We haven't decided where we're going yet but we know we're going somewhere." He looks to Regina then, his slimy gaze having her shivering despite it not being cold in the room. "Will you be joining us?"

They should know this answer by now, probably do, but still, they ask.

"No. I've got too much work to do."

"I'm not going either," says Killian, placing his fork down.

Regina looks to him, shocked and confused, he always goes with them, why is he choosing to stay?

"What about you, Jefferson?" asks Mother.

Jeff shrugs, his mouth full of curry. Chances are, he'll go.

"Right," says Leo, pushing his own plate away. "So it's just the four of us then."

Snow nods, continuing to eat but Regina pushes her still full plate away, which of course catches everyone's attention, especially her mother's.

"Are you not eating anymore, Regina?"

Regina shakes her head, mentioning she's _Full up_.

"Probably all the breakfast you ate this morning."

Breakfast she didn't actually end up eating, if she recalls. But still, food and eating jibes from Mother are to be expected after all.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

It seems like all she's done for the past few weeks is throw up, it's a wonder she even has anything to throw up.

It's more than just a side-effect of the withdrawal she's having, it's a combination of everything. Not to mention the report card that'll be presenting itself to mother tomorrow.

The thought of that alone has the anxiety swirling. All the D's and F's littering her report and what makes it worse is that she'll have no real explanation for their reason there.

"Having withdrawal symptoms?"

Regina rolls her eyes, wiping her mouth and pushing herself away from the toilet. Killian is the last person she wants to see right now.

"No," she says, sharp and hard.

"Really?" laughs Killian. "Cause your body says otherwise. I saw how fidgety you were in the restaurant," he sits on the edge of the bathtub. "You only ever bite your skin when you're going through withdrawal."

It should be creepy how much he's studied her but she hasn't exactly been discreet about it, has she? Just look at tonight for example.

"You know, I have some in my drawer if you want some."

Regina shuts her eyes, shutting his voice out. She thinks to Daniel, the support group, Robin...She doesn't want to give in but god, she can't walk down the street without thinking someone's gonna jump out and kill her, she's that paranoid.

She keeps her eyes shut, feeling every bit of a failure as she utters, "How many have you got?"

"Enough that'll do you over until next month."

She opens her eyes at that, breathing out and god, it's tempting, so, so tempting.

"What're say?"

Regina thinks for a moment. It'll stop her from fidgeting, stop her from tearing off her skin, stop her from feeling anxious about tomorrow.

 _Everyone always talks about the dangers of drugs, but nobody ever talks about the escape they give you._

Drugs are good, and drugs help, she repeats the mantra over and over, forcing herself to see the good in them.

"Offers going..." Killian says in a little sing-song voice.

"Yes!"

She doesn't need to turn around to see his smile, she can picture it perfectly in her head.

"Brush your teeth, then come and see me in my room."

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

She can count on one hand how many times she's entered Killian's bedroom.

He's practically encased in darkness, the only light coming from his laptop screen that show's his homepage; a photo of _Disturbed_ as his background. His bulb went out years ago and never once has he or Mother decided to replace it, not that he really needs to it seems.

Regina stays by the door, not wanting to venture in any further from the fear of tripping over something on his floor and extracting some sort of disease from this room so she hangs back near the entrance.

She watches Killian open drawers, shifting around them, before forcefully slamming them and opening another one.

"You can come in, you know."

"I'd rather not," Regina says, not moving.

"Suit yourself," Killian says, slamming another draw shut. "Guess you don't want these then." He holds up a bottle and instantly Regina is scrambling towards it, almost tripping over a stray bag on the floor.

"No, no," he says, walking towards her. "You stay right there."

Regina leans against the wall, swallowing hard as she watches him in the dim light. He's got a sort of...strange look across his face. Soft and almost caring like. Which is unlike him. It has her that slight bit panicky.

"You want these?" he asks, holding the bottle back up. Regina nods, eyeing it up and trying to count just how many pills are in it but he brings it down before she can finish. "You're used to getting them for free, aren't you?" He steps a little closer, kicking the bag out of the way and Regina feels her heart beginning to beat faster, her breath coming out thicker. His free hand comes up, fingers sliding against her hairline, his hand stroking her cheek and her jaw. She wonders what he's doing, what he wants, but knowing what he's implying.

"I don't have that money," she says, voice not really sounding like her own.

Killian smiles, picking up a piece of her hair and twirling it. "I don't want money," he says.

She wets her lips, watching as Killian's eyes follow. She knows just want he wants. Regina swallows one last time before shutting her eyes and leaning into the wall, feeling Killian's hot breath against her.

When his lips touch hers she tries to ignore the feeling that this is wrong, that they shouldn't be doing this, they're siblings.

But he's only her _foster_ brothers, he's not adopted and they're definitely not related. They're just two people who just so happen to live under the same roof.

His hand tangles in her hair, pulling hard and their lips tangle together quicker, sliding against each other.

She'll let him have this. This can be her payment and then she'll leave and go to her dreams.

 _Such a failure, Regina._


End file.
